Moment Of Weakness

Friday, the end of the work week…

The start of going out with friends for some, and staying in and crafting for others.

This blog has become so much more then I expected… So many people relate in SO many ways. Which is exactly what I was hoping for, right? Life has thrown me some shitty curve balls, but knowing I am not alone has made it easier to understand!

This week was hard, like… really hard. I let my emotions and feelings get the best of me. Which, if you know me.. you know how rare that is. It hasn’t always been easy for me to show love, happiness, anger…but the one emotion I do NOT show, is sadness. I always felt like it made me look weak…. like I wasn’t worthy of peoples sympathy. Not that I was looking for sympathy.. but I was afraid that is exactly what it would look like.

I had a moment of weakness. I felt like the walls were closing in on me. I felt so alone for the first time in a very long time. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I have a killer support group… even if 3/4 of them live 4 hours away.

I used to have a “great group of friends” but things changed….

This bored insecure little girl started a rumor which made its way to other insecure girls in the group and you can imagine how that went.

(We are in our 20s… why is anyone listening to the bull crap coming out of a 16 year olds mouth anyways? )

Now I am sure you are all thinking “well if they were your friends they shouldn’t believe the rumor or let it mess with a friendship”… Youre right, they shouldnt have…. IF they were my friends…. But I quickly came to realize they are all insecure people…. They are too worried about who can benefit them the most.. and thats okay! Right now for them, partying, seeing who can get the most drunk and naked is them benefiting each other… (whatever floats your boat I guess?)

For myself, benefiting me is completely different… I dont NEED people around me to be happy with myself… I love myself.. I have explained before how long it took me to get there. I can sit in a room alone and be completely content. I can go out to eat alone and not worry about people feeling sorry for me. I am comfortable in my OWN skin…

Benefiting me is adding positive aspects to my life. Bringing joy into it.. Being understanding when each other is having a bad day or just needs a day away from texting or hanging out. Knowing that no matter what, no matter how long it has been since we last saw each other or talked… that we’re still there for each other. In my eyes, these are how FRIENDS treat each other.

I don’t care how fun the new club downtown is supposed to be… if my friend needed me to stay at home and eat ice cream on the couch in pajamas until 4 am… that is where I would be. That’s where any real true friend would be..

But this all got the best of me. I let it get inside my head and fester and work itself into this big bubble I couldn’t contain any longer, andddd I lost my shit. I completely broke down. I would assume not letting this happen for a couple years I was due for a good cry. And man oh man was it a good cry.

But after my 15 minutes of self loathing, I felt so much better. I felt like a box of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. I let it all out and it felt SO GOOD…. Which to my surprise, was.. well, a surprise!

I understand that people grow apart, and thats normal. It happens. LIFE HAPPENS. Some of us take the road less traveled while others stick together on the well beaten trail. But that is not who I am. I am a loner.. a gypsy they call it, and I am okay with that. I need to know the unknown. I need to see things no one has seen and feel things no one has felt. I am different, and I love it. I crave diversity and change.

Most people don’t stay long in my life. I used to think I was the problem… But someone very special once told me that just because I am different doesn’t make me the problem… I am ME, and I cant change that… So I figure why not embrace it!

I dont know how many, or if anyone will be able to relate to this blog post… But I hope at least one person can. It is a work in progress for me to show my feelings and open up… But I am constantly working on it. If I can do it, anyone can.

Well, I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend.. stay cool out there!

I’ll get back to y’all soon ❤

 

Xoxo, Kayla

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Moment Of Weakness

  1. Good morning granddaughter. You know that people were designed to cry. It’s the way we can relieve sadness. So glad you got to do that. When my Auntie Ruth died (Grandpa George’s sister), my dad put on a piece of music called “The Swan of Twanela (sp?)” by Sibelius. Twanella is the Norwegian lore underworld. It’s incredibly sad, but beautiful music. I asked my dad why he put on such very, very sad music. He said you have to let grief wash through you, take it into your body, not try to push it away. My dad was pretty wise.

    Thank you for sharing. I love you tons.

    G’ma

    _____

    Liked by 1 person

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