Thursday night.. the week is almost over. Thank goodness. Longest week eevvveeeerrrrrrr….
I was thinking today… which is NOTHING new for me. I think about everything. & think about it some more. & just a little more… you know, to be safe.
I’m a chronic overthinker.
It’s gotten better the last year or so. But it is still something I battle with on a daily basis. Work in progress I tell myself! Anyways, I think a lot. Sometimes it causes issues, & sometimes it’s a damn good thing I really thought about it. I never really know.
Now, growing up I always was the one who had to be the thinker. In school, at home, with friends. For as long as I can remember I was the “mom” as everyone tells me. Even now I am the Mom of the group when I go out with friends. (Rare I know)
But I have always been on my own.. in my own little world. No one ever thought like I did or cared as much as me. I always have been.. well, alone. I have always been the strong one in the situations. The one who everyone came to for advice & when they needed someone strong to set em straight… but even when I feel I need someone, I can not ask for help. Because every time I do… I shut down. Or the advice I’m looking for is just mediocre & I feel like it’s just to get the topic over with.
I do not tell everyone this but what the hell.. I talk to a counselor about once a month. Not usually about anything in particular. Whatever happened at work or at home. If there is a guy in my life I will fill her in. She’s like an outside best friend with really good advice & doesn’t take sides. It’s great really y’all should try it.
But I let her in on the things going on in my life lately & she told me it is time that I really make some honest time for myself. I quit helping everyone else before myself & do a little self loving basically. I am always so caught up in helping others I forget about myself. & to top it off… when I do let someone far enough into my life something quickly reminds me that they usually can not hold up their end of the relationship… whatever reason, that is fine.
I just hate when people ask me why I don’t let anyone in or why I have such a big wall up. It’s simple. You can’t be let down if there is a wall up. For 22 years I have been let down by 98% of the people I have let over that wall. Now I understand that isn’t fair for my great friends but y’all know who you are & how much I truly cherish our relationships.
I guess the point is…. next time you are going to ask the person who’s always alone & the “strong” one, why they’re so closed off… think about this. Think about all the things that person has been through. All the wrong that person has taken over time yet they still are there for anyone who needs it.
I love my life, I am truly truly blessed. But that does not mean I don’t have hard days. That does not mean I do not need love & affection. That does not mean I do not want to let people in. It simply means I am just scared of the common end… The End.
I lied & said I was busy with work stuff, I lied & said I had to wake up early, I lied & told you that I was just too tired to go out. But what I was really lying about… was how tired I was of being strong. How tired of helping everyone else I have become. Tired of praying someone would come along and would know my battles & my demons & love me for them anyways. Tired of expecting getting anything close to what I give.
It is my time. It is time for me to stop & do things I want to do. & if that doesn’t include some people then so be it.