Surprise, its me again..
I know, I suck at this… I wish I had things to write about. It isn’t that I don’t feel like they’re good enough things to write about, its that I feel like my readers deserve more then some entry of me rambling on.
Lately, I have been trying to pay attention to my own actions more then usual.. Watch what I say and how I respond to things… or decide if whatever it was is even worth a response.
Growing up I always remember being the kid no one picked first for teams, sleep overs, girls nights..ect. This continued through high school and even to this day I feel I am the back up plan, the second choice.
With having felt this way my entire 23 years of life, it has caused me to develop a SERIOUSLY emotionally exhausting and harmful habit of putting everyone elses needs and feelings before my own. I am constantly trying to make sure those around me are happy and feel included in even the simplest of things. I work so hard on making friendships work that it is exhausting. I work so hard on trying to salvage and keep a relationship with my family that it is exhausting. So exhausting to the point where I sometimes feel like just saying “f it” and canning the relationship all together… Even in dating, I always put in too much effort and heart. Always. Every single time. This isn’t a “poor me” act here… I acknowledge my own faults and the high standard I hold relationships to.. even they might be unrealistic. I have gotten to the point where I let people walk all over me to the extent where I can not say no due to fear of how they will feel. But what about me? What about my own feelings? I am putting my own peace of mind and happiness on hold to make sure someone else is okay.
This is hard. This is completely out of my normal comfort zone.
I am facing the fact that just because it is my comfort zone, doesn’t mean it is a healthy place to be. I promised myself I would get out of my comfort zones this year. Mental and physical are going to need some more attention. But I can do it.
I am going to stay with my grandfather for the month of August, 3 hours away from home. He could use hand and someone around.. and frankly, I could too. I miss having a positive energy to come home too. I can not wait to spend time with one of the only consistent good men in my life. (I know you’re reading this grandpa, see you soon!) I think this will be good for my mind and soul. It desperately needs to be recharged because honestly, its drained and a little lost lately.
To my family and friends that understand this is something I struggle with and are there for me when I need help or a reminder that I am an important part of their life.. thank you. Thank you more times then I can say out loud. With all of this being said, as the saying goes… ” I would rather have 4 quarters then 100 penny’s” and aint that the truth! Time to get rid of all the penny’s and focus on my quarters.
Well, that is all for now. I feel like this is maybe something that other people will relate too or have experienced in some form.. If so, comment on how you got through it or ways you are working on it! Any advice is welcome and appreciated.
Enjoy your evening everyone ❤