This one is gonna get a little sad, fair warning.
Its been one year. One year since my heart was completely betrayed by someone I considered my best friend. One year since someone who played a huge part in getting me through some of my darkest days, turned their back on me.
We were never supposed to be more then friends.. We were never supposed to let feelings change our friendship. But sometimes, you just cant control that.. we spent so much time together. Talked about everything and nothing at all. Slept and cuddled more in those days then I think I had in years. a few days and whole lot of new feelings later, my heart was in someone elses hands. Funny how much can change in just a few days. You told me you fell for me that weekend. That things would never be the same. I thought we couldn’t get any closer then we already were as friends.. but I was so wrong.
I wasn’t even scared to let you in. No part of this terrified me… other then how strongly I felt for you. I had never felt this way before.. I knew love, or so I thought. I told my friends about you.. they were so happy for me. But told me to tread lightly because you never know with long distance.. I shut them down every single time. I never second guessed it. Not once. You were my best friend, who I was undoubtedly falling in love with.
And then it all changed. Everything I thought I knew about you was wrong. Your honesty.. your loving nature.. the way you cared about my heart and how it felt.. Gone. The messages when you knew I was having a bad day, just to tell me I was beautiful and important to you. It was all gone. And without explanation.. You had found someone else. Someone closer to home. Someone who clearly had meant more to you for longer then I knew about.. Someone I never once heard you speak of…
It is pretty crazy how much you think you know someone.. when in all reality, you don’t know shit about them.
I tried to understand. I tried to think of what I did wrong. Why I wasn’t enough for you.. We had so many plans, so many things we wanted to do together… i cant help but wonder if it was all just bullshit.. But the part of me that still cares, the part of me that still holds love in my heart for you wants to believe it was just a mistake.. that you didn’t mean to hurt me. or maybe you didn’t think it would effect me the way it did..
I sat in front of my coworkers as I saw the photo that changed everything… with tears rolling down my face… you embarrassed me.. You took away my strength that I worked so hard to build up..
I cried every single night for weeks. And not the cry where its a few tears and you’re done..
It was the
~~Sitting in the corner of your shower while it ran on you so your roommate cant hear you cry, type of cry. The kind that hurts your heart and your head. When you wake up with puffy eyes and a headache but its been so many days now, you’re used to it.~~
I thought that I didn’t care anymore. I thought that I was over you. I told myself that I was happy for you.
But I woke up to your name in my notifications today.. and all of that pain came rushing back. It put me right back to the moment you betrayed me. And I hate you for that. i hate you for making me feel the way you did, and then taking it all away and giving me a new painful feeling.
I hate you.
But I mostly hate how much I cared for you. And evidently, how much I still do. You maybe have never been fully mine.. but the love I held in my heart for you was strong.
You ruined something that could have been so amazing. With someone who truly cared about you. And as hard as this is for me to go through all over again… I can live with knowing how good I was to you… You have to live with hurting one of the only people who would have done ANYTHING for you. Who would have dropped anything to be there for you. Someone who would stay up all night with you on the phone because depression or anxiety had taken over.. You ruined that.
I haven’t let anyone in, in a year. And I thought it was because I didn’t want to.. I was enjoying being on my own.. but today I realized that I have been lying to myself. It’s because they weren’t you.. And that is so hard to admit to myself… But the fact that I am able to now is closure that I am ready to start letting go.. It wont happen over night, but I can honestly say it already seems more doable then it ever has..
I will not let you have any more of me. I will not let this control my heart any longer.. I cant allow that. It is time to get back to being vulnerable and happy with that. Being so guarded is exhausting and honestly, not very fun.
I already feel a clearer mind after writing this…
So, That is all for now…